Grateful

As gay as Hannah Montanna sounds… She actually has some meaningful songs. One in particular has helped me relfect over the past couple of years. Its called The Climb.
I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb (yeah)

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb (yeah yeah ea ea)

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby



I don’t know about Y’all but I have been on the climb of my life since high school. I struggled with depression and suicide my senior year. Just as God pulled me through that, I got into a relationship with a guy . I wasn’t at a place in my life where I should have been making big decisions, but I got married anyways. I was too young. He wasn’t the right one for me. About the time we got engaged, things went south. He changed into someone I could never imagine. From what my mind has let me slowly remember, he was very mentally, spiritually, and emotionally abusive. This lead to physical abuse. Even now it is hard for me to recall many details. I do remember it was very bad. Eventually I was scared that I would end up dead somehow. He was very unpredictable and crazy. He drank a lot. He was a different person when he got angry. Yada Yada Yada…. We got divorced. It was aweful and I hated it. I am 99% sure he cheated on me in the midst of that. Although he would never admit it, there was evidence. So again God pulled me through that situation. I hit a new low in the divorce. I lost my home, my old best friend, ex family members, my cats, hopes, dreams, and any security I still had. For some reason, I have to learn things the hard way. I wasn’t the best person while I was going through all this. I did still trust in God for my furture and the shambles of my life. Somehow, God managed to change all this into good. I felt like I was finally living. I have never been so grateful for family and their support. I have never been so grateful to still be alive and healthy. I have never been so grateful for men that don’t call me names or raise a fist to threaten. I have never been so grateful to have a God who never leaves… who is the only one who will ever know all that I went through… Who saw my hurts and healed them… who saw my shortcomings and forgave me… I am grateful. Thank you father in heaven who has healed me.
After the divorce, I got back in church since I hadn’t been allowed to do that much before. God gave me new friends and a new beginning. I met Andy. He had just gone through a divorce as well. He could relate to a lot of my struggles. God has given us a very unique relationship. Andy and I are so grateful for each other. We didn’t wait long to get married because we felt God’s pull. God has blessed our marriage beyond measure. I had no idea men like Andy were still out there. He is so nice to me.. Slow to anger… no name calling… incredibly sweet and affectionate…. And has a passion to live how God wants us to.

And so when we found out we were pregnant back in February, we were nervous but so excited to see what God had planned. Then in March, we found out the baby had no heartbeat after 8 weeks. My body wouldn’t give that baby up. After being pregnant for 4 and a half monthes I finally had to have surgery for a missed miscarriage. My body was still acting like the baby was alive. We were heartbroken to say the least. Both of us were afraid of what this stress would do to our less than year old marriage. Like the song says, my faith was shaking… Although things have not been easy, Andy and I are actually stronger now. We lost our first baby. A little piece of me and him is gone. Neither of us have ever had a loss like this. And somehow God made us stronger. Every word of that song feels like a part of my story. There HAVE been times when my head tells me I am never gonna make it. It HAS been a uphill battle. One that has been worth the fight. I love my husband dearly. If we ever get to have a baby of our own in the future, I know we will be 2 of the most grateful parents in the world. The uphill battle continues as I remember how to step back and be patient with where we are. I just want to enjoy this special time with my wonderful husband BC. J Thanks for reading and praying y’all!

Thailand

Last year i went to Thailand. I love the pictures of us with the tigers. I have always been facinated with animals. To hold an animal that-up until that moment-i had only seen from a distance in a zoo or on a wild life special.... well, it was a dream-come-true moment. I wish i looked a little more feminine in the picture, but that is backpacking for ya. Just looking at those pictures makes me long to go back. I LOVE that place. I never knew paradise exisisted like this. We swam in water that looked like an emerald. For 20 minutes we watched a steady stream of tiny fish jump out of the water and over a piece of coral in the way of their path. Their school of jumpers looked like water spray. We rock climbed on cliffs that looked out over the most beautiful and mysterious island i have ever seen. I held a puffed up blow fish in my hand. It was amazing. You know you are far away when someone asks where you are from and then gets a confused look on their face when you say United States. You know... United States of America.... long pause... "Oh! America! Oh OK!" Anyways, I love Thailand and hope to return someday not too far from now.